I’ve done my share of personal growth reading – God bless Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer – literally hundreds of books and authors I admit. I can’t claim ignorance to the idea of negative attachments but like most of those I know and have ever heard of, I had not had experience in it, I had to go on faith. I’m not a fan of faith, I prefer to get sticky in the goo of things.
I was feeling pissy again. I know I was overreacting to everyone and everything, I was dramatising and acting out. I know this. I know I was modeling Gorf only knows what to my children about how to deal with unsavoury situations. So when I found myself with a few seconds to contemplate and inquire, I remembered the many times in this journey since learning the truth of emotions – this is a choice… I can choose something else… I am suffering and making others suffer and I can stop this right now… so why didn’t I?
Because I wanted to be feeling exactly what I was feeling. It was a type of enjoyable. More shocks to my system on that realisation. I was now face to face with the truth of my reality, of my choices, with no one to blame. I carried on being pissy for a while longer and then dropped it. Later that night I thought about my revelation, as simple as it was it was profound at the same time. The implications, the depth, there was nowhere in my life this information did not touch.
I thought about circumstances I had gone through, horrendous situations and predicaments, and saw that throughout all of them, bar none, I could have avoided suffering, almost entirely. For suffering happens for a moment: the moment you are in pain, the slash of the knife, the slap of the face, the loss, humiliation, rape, childbirth, abuse… they are but moments and in those moments, the suffering may exist – the jury was still out on that – but only for those moments. No longer. Yet how long we play those moments over and over in our heads. How long we suffer, unnecessarily.
I thought of my son falling and scraping his knee. One day, he jumps up and runs off, the next, a lesser fall is a big drama that has him crying in my arms for a long long time. Why the difference? He is learning to suffer, to replay in his head, to dramatise and see it in his mind and alter it in some way. He will eventually subconsciously choose which sufferings he likes, and cling to them. “Attach”, as the Buddhists say. I ask him, “Are you upset because it still hurts or because you keep remembering your fall?” even though I know he will just cry louder as an answer.
How odd. I chose to remain suffering, I chose to stay angry knowing the illusion emotion is. I had no excuse, I wasn’t as trapped in the illusion as I used to be. This awesome choice, we all have it. At any moment, I can choose to soar with bliss and peace.